who i am

The day when i was born there was an huge thunderstorm and people were shouting and there was chaotic everywhere . hi my name is santhosh raj r i am currently under home quarantine due to this pandemic 😅

with your loved ones scattered among the globe and spending  time with your parents everything has been changed. i am right now writing this blog without ever know what is the context of this . it feels like there is ever ending void within me that what ever i throw within it , it never ever gets filled up ,

as an usual day i would get up by around 8 to 9 am in the morning during this quarantine days and after that i would be spending much around half & hour to 45 min in my bed with my phone replying for msg's and and swiping right and left with notification . and after that i would do my morning business within 10 or 10 30 am and that's it again i am with by stupid mobile phone and swiping within the insta stories. what i am doing in my life from everyday passing by i am slowly becoming an addict for the technology .

i am an idiot no definitely not . but i do feel like an idiot whom has nothing within me , it feels like within me there is an infinite void of black hole that everything that you throw at it it just accept it )

In my life i never ever had the courage or dedication in completing a job or task thrown at me , i am an selfish coward who doesn't know anything, i am always seeking for others help for everything in my life , i am 20 years old now & i suck at life i am never ever achieved anything , i am too much depended upon my parents for everything .

i am never felt once in my life the pleasure or what it is i don't know , the feeling of achieving something . right from the childhood i was treated as an low achiever or makku what they call it .

i am always deeply hurt my that word . i am what i am / . i am an introvert , i really don't know i am introvert or an person with no experience, lack of skills or an MOron 😅

i always lead my life for other , not that others hahaha , i mean based on others opinion . more or like what others will think if i do that . and how they will praise me i was that awesome .

& i am till now facing the same problem . Right from the childhood i was bullied and kept and called as an moron in school and this have deeply dig a scar in my heart that i can never get rid of them . this very thought have always pushed me to achieve something great . but that have never been that hell of an push . i always have been an half baked idiot with stupid thought and lack of communication and skill . i am weak at both academics and even at sports. The BIGGEST regret of my life is that i never ever have been consistent in anything , if not i definitely would achieved something worth a while ..